I’ve procrastinated for what seems like forever on starting this blog because often I feel like I don’t have enough to say, which is so crazy since thoughts and ideas are endlessly swirling in my head. This has been a constant in my life…..the difficulty in releasing the swirling thoughts. Why? Am I selfishly holding them tight, unwilling to let them go? Am I afraid to release them? Is it just an impossible task to grab ahold of one and set it free because they are all just a jumbled, constantly moving mess and I simply cannot snatch one?
Being a writer who did not write was my story for many years. Thankfully that story is done, it’s no longer mine. It’s been slowly fading away for a long time and now I can confidently claim my new story. I am a writer and I do write. I need to write. I need to release, purge, set free my mind. It’s been slow and steady progress over the years, but here I am making more progress.
Now my story is that I am a writer and it is my career, my profession, my livelihood.
Over the years I’ve done all kinds of writing. I’ve had two blogs in the past, one was pretty successful, one never got off the ground. I’ve published little bits here and there. I’ve co-authored a book and have a couple more in the works. I’ve done lots and lots of copywriting and email marketing. But for some reason, I never claimed the title of “Writer”.
Well, here I am claiming it: Carmen Modglin, Writer.
The funny thing about writers is that many of us have oh so similar stories of self-doubt, procrastination, feeling stuck. The difference between a professional and an amateur is the willingness to feel those feelings and do it anyway.
All those years I knew I was suppose to be a writer, but that knowing would go away as quickly as it came and then I would just sit and think and doubt. There have been times when the words just poured out. I have a growing portfolio of meaningful work that has flowed out of my heart and onto paper somehow. These words are meaningful and powerful and inspired. I have found that the key to writing consistently is to figure out how to access that flow more easily. This is a skill that I am still learning. That place of inspiration is sometimes fleeting and hard to catch, but I’m catching it more and more.
For many years I have heard that “real” writers treat writing as a job. They sit down every day to do the work of writing. I would sit down and just sit. I’d try to grab on to one of those swirling streams of thought and just couldn’t grab one. Picture the Karate Kid movie scene where the character uses chopsticks to catch a fly. I’d sit there with my chopsticks, still and quiet, waiting to nab a fly mid air. I’d keep missing, keep missing, and then I’d doubt everything. But I’d keep trying and eventually I’d get one! I hated the analogy of Real Writer = Set Writing Hours (like a job). Every time I’d try to put myself in that box, I’d fail. Even though I was in the midst of co-authoring a book, I still didn’t consider myself a real writer because I was squeezing my writing hours into the margins of my life, which at the time was 3am – 7am because that was the only time I could have uninterrupted time.
Now I know that a real writer is simply someone who writes. I know that all those years of keeping my writing to myself were not wasted. It was a time of preparation, lengthy as it was. It was a time of finding my voice, practicing my skill, learning how to access that inspired flow. It was learning how to manage my creative outlet while I manage my life as a mom. It was learning that every writer’s life looks different and that’s okay.
Are you a writer? Do you struggle with your identity as a writer? Let’s chat about it.
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